My Biggest Struggle as a Christian

I've been thinking lately about what my biggest struggle as a Christian is.  As basic as this sounds, I figure it might be forgiving others as well as myself.  It is nothing I am proud of by any means, but I think the first step to correcting the issue is recognizing what the issue actually is. 

I don't know that scritpure states we must forgive ourself, or maybe allow ourselves to be forgiven, but I think that if we don't forgive ourselves we can not truly forgive others or allow God to have complete control over our lives. 

There are so many things that I have done wrong in my life, some I have forgiven myself for and allowed myself to be forgiven for as well as learned the lesson and moved on.  There are many that I still need to allow myself to be forgiven for as well. 

I have many people whom I need to forgive.  It seems that as soon as I think I have truly forgiven the person for whatever it may have been but then the scene comes up again and I need to start all over again.  Sometimes it gets quite frustrating.  I feel that I take one step forward and two steps back at many times. 

There are quite a few people whom I need to ask forgiveness from.  That is not something I am good at, I was not taught to ask for forgiveness.  I was taught to apologize, but not to ask for forgiveness.  It is something of a relatively new concept to me that I am still trying to get myself in the habit of doing.  Although I am sure it will come with time. 

I know everyone has their struggles, but sometimes it's hard to remember that I'm not alone.  That others have struggles as well, no matter how well they can hide them, and that God is always with me, guiding me and teaching me what it is He has for me to learn.

Blessings in Christ,

 

The Motions

A fellow blogger posted yesterday song lyrics of a song that "hits every aspect of what you're going through and feeling". 

I was listening to my iTunes while working on copying recipies for my roommate's Christmas present.  Then this song came on.  And this is my song that "hits every aspect of what you're going through and feeling".   

The Motions
Matthew West

This might hurt, it's not safe

But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break
At least I'll be feeling something

‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something

‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

‘Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?

Take me all the way
(Take me all the way)
Take me all the way
(‘Cause I don't wanna go through the motions)

Take me all the way
(Lord, I'm finally feeling something real)
Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?
Take me all the way
(Take me all the way
Take me all the way
(I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)

Take me all the way
(Through the motions)
Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

I've been struggling in my spiritual life for a while and I want to break free from that and not feel like I am just going through the motions.  I want to 100% live my life for God. 

Do you have a song that hits the nail on the head for you right now? 

Blessings in Christ,

 

What About Next Year...?

I have mentioned before how I feel led to teach. I still feel that way, but I do not feel led into going into (more) debt to reach the point of being able to teach in a school.

There are two programs that I have been looking into that could help me either fund my schooling or get around the paying for my education. One is a fellowship, which is pretty much like a scholarship, but this one provides extra above what tuition costs to help with bills because they do not care for participants to work while going to school. The other is the Teach for America program.

Both these programs I would be placed in a low-income school and expected to teach either for 3 years or 2 years, depending on the program. One program I can choose my licensure area, the other program they place me in my subject area as well as region.

I've been praying about it and feel led more towards the Teach for America program but that is a scary step. Of course there are rigorous application processes for both programs and I am leaning towards applying to both, but what if I get accepted to one? I know...I think five steps out. I think that is one reason why I haven't seriously applied for any engineering positions that would utilize the degree I earned.

I know God will give me the strength to get through everything He puts in my path, but will I have the strength to rely on Him? I don't know. I already am questioning that with just the "minor" things going on in my life right now.

There was a saying once, I don't know if it's true or not, it actually seems backwards to me, but that people tend to flock to God when they are experiencing hard times. I am the opposite of that. I can easily stay by His side when there are good times, but when I go through trials in my life, I often feel that He is not listening or helping me through those and so I go and try to take control of them. I know it's not right, but that's how I am. No matter how much I tell myself that I am going to leave it in His hands and what happens does and He will help me through it.

I just picked up a book at the Library today... Overcoming Negative Emotions: Gods's path to becoming a positive woman. I am half interested in it because we sell it at work and so then I can give my recommendation on the book, but also because I wonder if it can't help me. Someway. Somehow. Maybe?

Blessings in Christ,

I just want to feel pretty.

I feel so...blah...? With my hair pulled back all the time. Wearing long cape dresses constantly. No make up. No jewelry. I miss my "old life" sometimes. The past week has definately been one of those times.

I look at the girls who come through the restaurant where I work with their hair done, make-up on, jewlery and their pretty clothes and I wish I could wear that stuff again. I know I could...but I would not feel comfortable in it. Especially the pants. I like my skirts 98% of the time. The other 2% of the time, I do wish I had a pair of pants to just put on.

So I decided to take a "break" from my cape dresses. I am still dressing modestly, just with skirts and shirts for a little bit. I haven't started "doing" my hair...although I have been tempted.

Please tell me I am not alone in wanting to feel pretty. I feel like people judge me for wearing a cape dress and then they judge me for not wearing a cape dress. What am I to do? I am not convicted that cape dresses are the only modest clothing out there so I personally do not have a problem wearing my skirts. But I know some people will definately "have a cow" if they find out I am not wearing my cape dresses all the time...specifically the people at the church I am on-again-off-again attending.

If only I was content with how I am...that's what I pray for.

Blessings in Christ,